ready? set? .... Go?

I think last week almost killed me:

Sunday: Chrisalis calls in the morning and asks, "I think Al has pink eye... whatdoido?" Awesome. Take him to the doctor... duh. "ok... what doctor?" Oh my god. I make the appointment for him. Problem solved. Some times the Chrisalis is none too bright.
I take The Nurse (a client) walking in the hope her 2 week overdue baby decides to come out. We drink tea and eat garlic death bread for lunch. She has 2 hours of pathetic irregular contractions then goes home to sleep. The Nurse decides to name the baby Shithead.

Monday: Meet for coffee with The Nurse and discuss her scheduled torture induction the following day. During our chat, Chrisalis calls twice asking questions about pharmacy's and his insurance. (I swear he's not usually this stupid...) After holding his hand through filling the prescription I get a call from The HairGirl (another client). She has been to an prenatal appointment and been diagnosed with oligohydramnios (or low amniotic fluid, for you non birth geeks) and is being induced NOW. 
Fabulous! I say goodbye to The Nurse, drive home, talk to BoyWonder about taking care of my kids, grab another cup of coffee, and head to the hospital.
The HairGirl was planning a "hypnobirth". Going natural and all that jazz. She makes it 16 hours on Cytotec then Pitocin without pain relief then threatens to kill someone if she doesn't get drugs.. Woo Hoo! The Epi is in and she's feeling great. 


Tuesday: The Nurse shows up to the same hospital to start her induction. They start the Pit and she's playing gin rummy with her Husbeast (her name for him, not mine!) and kicking his ass. I take a two hour nap in the on call room for the anesthesiologists. (God bless the nurses at this hospital!!) I wake up and everyone is still doing great! I spend a few hours running between rooms, updating pushy soon-to-be grandmas and over anxious soon-to-be aunts, rubbing some backs and feet, getting ice chips, feeding dads, sneaking The Nurse some peanut butter crackers. 
Eventually, someone decides that The HairGirl isn't going to have this baby vaginally (she's stuck at 6cm dialated) and they rush her off for an "emergency c-section". (that's in quotes because it took them an hour and a half to "rush" her off!) 
Thirty minutes later out she comes holding a nine pound monster baby. He's HUGE! Mom and baby are healthy and happy, I help with some boob touching breastfeeding techniques. Now back to The Nurse!!


Oh yeah, somewhere in there I call BoyWonder and check on the kids. Al's pink eye is completely gone. And he never got the prescription drops... what the...? Whatever.



The Nurse has her water broken and is progressing really well. Did I mention she's allergic to the Epi meds so she has to go natural? Yeah... So, fast forward about an hour and she's yelling at everybody. "I hate you!" "You ruined my life!" "I don't wanna hear anymore of your nonsense, lady!" "If you put your fingers in my vagina again, you're NOT GETTING THEM BACK!!" Classic signs of being in trasition. This goes on for another three hours then the pushing starts!! Weee!! 
Pushing lasts four hours.... Wait I forgot something... it's a new day!



Wednesday: Four hours into pushing and a NINE POUND FIVE OUNCE GIGANTOR baby gets pushed out! Baby gets rubbed down and cleaned up by The Nurse, dad, and me. We get a good breastfeeding (boob touching) in and then the nursery ladies take a peak at him. 
They hear a slight murmur in his heart. "No big deal" they say. "We'll keep an eye on him.." Off to the nursery he goes.
Eight hours later he's transferred to the local children's hospital. Diagnosis: pulmonary stenosis. 
Four hours after that The Nurse is discharged so she can be with him. 
Four hours later he's in surgery.
One hour later he's out and looking great, but still intubated. 
Somewhere in there I realize my left pant leg is covered in amniotic fluid and blood. Also, I have "mystery wetness" on my right sleeve.


This is where I go home to get some sleep.

I don't wake up until Thursday at noon.


This post is ridiculously long already so I'm going to finish later... but if you come back to read more you'll hear about:
A trip to a small town bar, Chula meets a "mature" porn star, Beckie gets drunk and talks about birth!


Until then, here is a picture of a kitten I rescued from a freeway and forced Broke Back Reesa to adopt!